I always pride myself in being a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need anyone else to keep my chin up. It’s difficult to really upset me personally in a way that makes me upset about myself. However, more often than not I find myself being easily upset by those around me getting hurt. I somehow become so much weaker when it come to seeing my friends upset. Is it because I can’t do anything about it? Maybe it’s because it hurts to see that they can’t keep themselves strong the way I have taught myself, and that somehow seems unfair.
Recently I found a couple of my close friends are coming to the realization that one thing they invested a large chunk of their time and life into does not offer the brotherhood and friendship that they had assumed. Instead, they feel betrayed and disrespected. I hate seeing them so upset, and it makes me upset that I can’t really do anything about it.
I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.
More often than not I found myself giving my sister advice in ways that made me sound like my parents. It became increasingly difficult to see things from her shoes, even though I was just there two years ago.
When I read things I wrote or think back on things I said when I was “younger,” I realize how much my outlook has changed. I no longer have that 100% innocently optimistic view on the world (granted I’m not a pessimist either). That clarity I claimed to have last summer when my life was an open book is definitely gone. I constantly find myself thinking about my future, my career, my health, aging, etc. Is it just that I’m growing up?
Where was my catcher in the rye when I needed him?
It’s 3 in the morning and I really need to be getting to sleep soon, but it’s at times like this where I get deep into my own thoughts. I suddenly found myself reflecting on the past tragedies and conflicts I dealt with in my [earlier, pre-legal] teen years, as well as other influences in my life both positive and negative.
I think the experiences I have the starkest memories of are always related to the tragic suicides that happened while I was in high school. There are few tragedies comparable to suddenly finding one of your classmates isn’t there anymore. There are even fewer tragedies that are tragic purely in their preventable nature. Many of us were left wondering to ourselves what could have been done, what should have been done, what was left unsaid. Nobody will ever know what was running through each of these peoples’ minds when they committed the unthinkable; all we’re left with is a soul whose life was cut short because they didn’t want it to grow longer.
I remember being in my sophomore english class when I learned about the first incident and finding myself at a loss of emotion. I had no idea how to react, didn’t know who the victim was at the moment, and found myself looking at the situation as if from the outside. I couldn’t bring myself to realize that this was happening and that it wasn’t some news story on some far away school in some far away state. It was happening here, at home, and, as I soon found out, to someone I personally knew.
I supposed I was extremely lucky to go to a school that offered so much support in the wake of this tragedy. Teachers spoke to us in a manner so candid it was as if the line between teacher/student and friend/friend had been blurred. Locks were removed and walls were taken down as the school came together to mourn him. It was then I began to realize that yes, Gunn’s teachers were here for the students, not the money in the paycheck. I realized that I was in an environment where I would be encouraged to struggle with myself in order to grow with people there to support me. I also knew that there would be incredible efforts to prevent me, or anyone for that matter, cut themselves short again. I saw how much each person meant to the people around them.
In the end, the tragedies didn’t just stop at one. Is it horrible that I became so numb to them when each of them happened? With each consecutive incident, I found myself reacting less and less. It had become habitual, almost routine. The lack of feeling actually became the most painful sensation. I had to come to terms that my heart was numb to tragedy…purely because it had witnessed too much already. It felt lonely to be quite honest.
Now, each time something similar comes up, like if someone talks about being suicidal, or I read about someone that did the same unimaginable act, I am brought back to that paradox of oddly numb but painful experience in being alone, watching from the outside with no emotion. I just want people to live for what’s ahead for them. I don’t know how to tell them to just wait…because it does improve. Having outlived certain people, I’ve gotten to experience the wonderful things they never will. I’m living to prove that there is a reason to live. I’m living for my family, for my friends, for all the people whose lives I’ve been a part of. I’m living for the food I haven’t tried, the places I haven’t seen, and the people I haven’t met. I live for God. I live to write endless posts like this. There is too much to live for, and I just hope that people can remember that there is so much more than the pain that is right now.
Sorry for the rambling.
I want to know which talents I’m supposed to utilize. Which aspects of me are useful, and which aspects of me are pointless?
Do pointless talents exist?
Is it really obvious that my heart is unsettled?
Complicated doesn’t exist. It is how it is, and that’s that.
Questions and speculations, thoughts of confusion and doubts are the human coping mechanisms against the stark reality of our existence.
Why are the people we want to see the most the ones that can hurt us the most?
How is distance supposed to mend a broken promise?
Why are there always strings?
Why do we set ourselves up in vulnerable states?
Love amongst other things
is a strange thing. Technically love is “an emotion of strong affection and personal attachment,” which all in itself seems like an understatement, but once one really evaluates what they feel when they’re in love it is just that.
Now this begs the question: have I ever been in love? My answer is yes, I have. Do I like being in love? Well…yes and no. It’s one of those things that I am extremely ambivalent about. I don’t think any other thing on this planet brings more diametrically opposed feelings than love does. It’s so incredibly frustrating because one minute, you can be the happiest girl/boy on Earth, bouncing on Cloud 9 with how free and safe you feel in your feelings of love. Then the next moment, if somehow this love becomes negative in some way, it becomes the most excruciatingly painful feeling in the world, sometimes manifesting in a physical pain as well. You feel the pressure swell up in your chest and the knot in your throat forms. Honestly, it really sucks.
With that said, it’s hard to decide whether or not the happiness being in love brings is worth all the pain it could potentially cause as well. The saying goes “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved as well.” I don’t know how much I agree with this. Sure I love being in love (ha) but I hate being heartbroken. I can’t imagine any experience worse than this, and in those times I sat alone in my room crying on the floor, did I wish that none of the love had ever been there? Hell yeah I did.
I think all of this has made me a bit more guarded, because I was definitely too naive in the past to let myself fall so quickly and without discretion. I learned the hard way that I have to guard my heart so that it can be at least 95% sure that it will be secure if it so happens to fall again. I hate being heartbroken, I hate still being heartbroken because I still have feelings. Love sucks.
GET OUTT OF MY HEADD!!!
I can kind of see why some people just like to have casual flings without any strings. A lot easier, a lot less risk. Maybe I should just do that instead -__-
Seeing this, I couldn’t help but cry. For some reason, it reminded me of how my mom was picked on because she couldn’t speak English well when I was really young.
Let’s spread this video. Bullying doesn’t just apply to young people. It affects everyone and we need to bring an end to this now.
I want to punch every single one of these kids in the face. I am so angry now after having watched this video and so utterly disgusted at these stupid kids. All I can do is shake my head.
**Edit: Apparently the thing that made her cry was when one of the students was taunting her about how she was so ugly her children would want to commit suicide. Little did they know that one of her sons committed suicide 10 years ago. I’m at a loss for words.
Read more: http://blastmagazine.com/the-magazine/technology/tech-news/viral-video-making-the-bus-monitor-cry/
My intentions in this blog are made relatively clear by the title and url. I don’t want to make stupid jokes or bullshit around, I want this to be a an actual serious look into the thoughts and pondering of my mind. My personal blog, xiavanessa.tumblr.com, is not the place for me to write posts that focus on serious topics or actual thinking.
I don’t intend to accrue a large number of followers or even get any followers on this blog. Honestly, I don’t think anybody really gives a crap about what I think about. I just want a place for me to get my thoughts and ideas written out and possibly get feedback on my opinions with other opinions so I can learn from others as well.
Where I stand on a lot of topics will be made clear in the future based on how I approach certain topics. Heres a brief intro: I am a Protestant Christian who also considers myself socially liberal and completely ignorant of economic policies.